KING OF HEARTS
"October 1918. The War is almost over.
The Germans retreat, the Allies advance.
A small town in Northern France awaits its liberation."
- Are the wires set yet? - Everything's fine.
Hurry up!
Close it.
Hurry up!
Enter.
It's done, Colonel... with not a moment to lose.
The enemy is near the river.
Shall I blow up the bridge?
Not yet. First, we pull out of town.
The munitions?
How much is there?
But there's enough there to blow up... the whole town.
The blockhouse and the whole town will blow up...
when the English general is sitting here...
where I am now.
You have an artistic clock, Mr. Frenchman.
A very artistic clock!
Artistically the town will blow up. The clock gives me an idea.
The knight strikes at midnight, no?
It shall strike for the last time!
Colonel, my ideology...
Later, Adolf. Later.
The knight strikes at midnight.
- What is it? - They're blowing it up!
- The Krauts! - Blow up?
The town, the bridge, everything.
We must pass the word. Hurry, there's no time to lose.
Get out! The town is going to explode!
"The mackerel likes frying. The mackerel likes frying."
Germans blowing up munitions dump...
tonight before midnight.
The knight strikes at midnight!
For God's sake, don't enter the town!
"The mackerel likes frying."
"Germans blowing up the munitions...
before midnight tomorrow.
Don't enter town...
for God's sake.
The knight strikes at midnight. Impossible to..."
"The mackerel likes frying."
"The knight strikes at midnight"?
A Scotsman!
Make way for the kings.
Chop, chop off the woman's head.
- Your turn. - Mine.
Where am I?
I'm the Duke of Clubs.
Monseigneur Daisy.
I'm the Duke of Clubs.
Monseigneur Daisy.
Come, my friend. Tell them who you are.
King of Hearts!
- Your Majesty! - Such an honor!
Let's go... They're all crazy!
Ladies and gentlemen, the King is back at last!
I've never seen the King!
Long live the King!
Ah! Here it is!
Nice kitty!
Hey! Come on in, boys!
Madame, am I a suitable husband for you?
And what do you think of me?
- Are you the barber? - Obviously.
Confidentially: "The mackerel likes frying."
Obviously.
Good. I can breathe again!
Don't stop breathing, or you won't live to be old.
- Good-bye. - So nice of you to come.
- You pay customers? - Yes. That's why business is good.
Okay, quick. Where are the Germans?
I'll find out. Any Germans here?
If you speak loudly, no one listens...
No secrets here.
The knight strikes at midnight. What does that mean?
This fashionable man is very strange!
- Where is the blockhouse? - What is the blockhouse?
- Munitions! - That's not my department!
For that, see the General.
- Where is he? - Open your eyes and look for once.
Young man, have you seen the King?
- What king? - The King of Hearts!
Now there, where were we?
Looking for someone? Sit down.
Someone named the General.
Oh, the General! You can help me out. I found my costume...
but not my character!
It's so obvious. I'm General Geranium! What was I thinking?
Let's be brief.
"The mackerel likes frying."
I don't understand.
Neither do I. No one's listening. Speak openly.
He won't blab.
"The knight strikes at midnight"?
Ah, midnight, the hour of crimes!
- We must prevent it! - There's no time to waste.
Where are we going?
Behave, pussycats! Papa will be right back.
You've left the door open!
He's so used to being caged, he doesn't want to come out!
That's for him to decide.
The king of beasts.
Speaking of kings, have you seen him?
He arrived last night; a very handsome young man, I hear.
Listen, I'm fed up with all your antics and double-talk!
I'm here for the blockhouse and the knight, and I don't understand.
I don't either.
I'm not here for cock-and-bull stories!
I'm too old for cops and robbers!
- How old are you, young man? - Look, I've had it with you!
- You're hurting me! - Where is the blockhouse?
What's a blockhouse?
He's mad!
LUNATIC ASYLUM
King of Hearts!
I have to warn them!
From Charles Plumpick to Headquarters.
Wrong town. Inhabitants odd.
Chimpanzee checkmate.
Encountered single bear, two lions...
but no contact with Mackerel.
I forgot the most important!
Postscript.: Blockhouse disappeared.
Good luck!
Carrier pigeon... shoot it!
Hurry, read it!
"From Charles Plumpick."
"Blockhouse disappeared."
Hamburger, take some men and go see about it.
You men, come with me, on the double!
A polka, Hyacinth!
Look... someone's here.
Got a light?
Buy me a drink?
What a big spender!
Want to know my name?
That's no answer! My name is Hyacinth.
Shall I dress as a housewife, a mummy or a nun?
You look fine this way.
Listen... Sit down...
and don't move.
- Are you a whore? - Yes!
- And I'm your customer? - Yes!
Good. We understand each other.
Do you know what war is?
Surrounding the town...
there in the hills...
are people who want to hurt you.
Go tell them I'm harmless.
It wouldn't work.
The town may blow up any minute now...
I might not even get to finish this sentence!
What a shame. You have a nice voice.
Listen, that's just a pipe dream.
I'll tell you my secret.
I live in the moment.
- That's all that counts. - You're right, but...
I'm not the girl for you, that's all. I'll get you someone else.
Girls!
Daffodil or Rosie, Forget-me-not or Poppy.
The choice is yours.
Or maybe not. There's no mistaking a look like that.
Unspoiled and beautiful.
I'm Poppy. And you?
Charles.
- Blush! Men go for that. - Do I frighten him?
Sure. Men seem tough, but they're soft as asparagus tips.
Teeny babies at heart.
- Come on... come in. - Staying with us?
To teach you a thing or two about the birds and the bees.
You don't know where to start? Neither do I.
This is the bedroom.
The bed. The lamp. The switch.
I suggest starting in the dark, then turn the light on.
Look at the object of your desire carefully.
Turn the light off again. Love is played like checkers, black and white.
- Will he get naked? - Yes. Don't be nasty.
There's liquor to drink. I've drawn the curtains.
I feel like I've always known you.
What would you like?
To lose my memory.
It's easy.
- What are you doing? - Keyhole-peeping. Shut the door.
The King of Hearts!
What are you doing here, sir?
Love has brought the King back to us!
All aboard, your Majesty.
This way, everyone.
The Duke is very emotional.
I once saw him cry when a fly died A fly!
At Waterloo, in '15.
He's still crying.
Cousin you're back at last! But what a state!
Quick! A shirt and a sandwich!
Melons and a hat! Stockings!
The Duchess, my wife.
An old bat.
Her feet are always cold.
But I've loved her for more than 60 years.
Sire, here are my children.
Blow your nose. Comb your hair.
- Where's Baby? - There, Mommy!
Alberic, what do you say?
- Long live the King! - Right.
- Some candy? - Excuse me, it's a souvenir.
You must rest before the coronation.
Well, the dromedary is harnessed. You know how impatient these animals are.
See for yourself.
- Where are we going? - To the cathedral.
12th century. A bit restored, like my wife. But I love her, and you will, too.
Little rascal! I'll tan your behind!
Will you be still?
It's the greatest day of my life.
I've always wanted the cheers of a nation...
seated next to the handsomest man.
Don't exaggerate.
But I must! Without it there's nothing!
Everyone here is so happy, and I've come to break up their party.
These flowers, your friends, this kindness.
They will all die, and there's nothing I can do about it.
A real king can do anything.
Maybe, but not me. Time flies.
Everything will blow up, as sure as my name is Charles.
Look! Soldiers!
Greetings.
Your missal. Your rosary.
Where has Alberic gone to?
Back there in the sacristy. He's always into everything!
That's fine, darling.
What is this carnival?
Take those hats off!
What a mess!
To the blockhouse!
Sire, allow me to make a comment about all this.
Your mind is obviously somewhere else.
This is a sacred moment...
and you're fidgeting!
Do you have to pee?
So what's the matter Smile!
I'm scared.
You don't like theater?
What theater?
World theater. Training school.
The Comédie Française, the Vatican.
Ceremonials, masquerades!
Smile. Smile!
The crown. The crown?
Nobody has the crown?
Sire, do you have a crown on you?
No, but I'll go look for one.
Company, halt!
What is this nonsense? Hurry up, and clear this away.
- Everything's set right? - Yes, sir.
Who's over there?
Stop!
Long live the King!
Damn! Here we go again!
You needn't have bothered, Sire. We have found a crown.
Drat! I've got a frog in my throat from all the stinking smoke!
Thank you. We've done something fine.
Long live the King! Long live the King of Hearts!
We want a speech!
He's so beautiful!
My dear flock. Ladies. CitiZens.
Life is a valley of tears.
We enter this world with a cry...
and we leave with a sigh.
And do you think it pleases God to see his creatures crying all the day long?
In truth I tell you, our kingdom...
His kingdom... It's Joy.
The Arab in his desert carries with him...
his fountains and Heaven!
Heaven... Is the empire of the prisoner behind bars.
Give me the ball!
Stop!
- My respect, Admiral. - Enter, gentlemen.
What a splendid machine.
You must get off some nice shots with this, huh?
- How about a little ride? - I would be delighted.
The fish in the pond, the bird in the bush, the lamb in his wool...
friends in our thoughts... and ourselves in our voices...
like the scent of the rose.
That is grammar and the Law.
We have decided to be happy...
and nothing can stop us!
- Quiet! - Amen.
What...? Show me!
Block the exits!
We're saved!
I found the blockhouse!
The enemy has fled!
Long live the King!
Long live my people!
Everyone to the Throne Room...
to start a celebration that will last three years!
The Republic is proud to give you this bicycle as a present.
You can pedal among the people...
incognito!
To the side, ladies.
You look dreadful in daylight. Go home.
Long live the General! Long live Mr. Marcel!
- Is he dead? - Just sleeping.
Exhausted by the coronation.
Carry him gently.
He tastes of raspberries... Taste!
Ripe raspberries. The way I like them.
I wouldn't mind seeing the Duke cuckolded.
- Cuckolded? Who? - Nobody, dear.
We need a cuckold for the sake of the town's equilibrium.
We don't have one.
We share and share alike.
- He must come back to us very gently. - He must wake up happy.
I like men who wake up happy.
I have an idea.
Listen. What do you hear?
The charming ticktock of your heart, sweetie.
A beating heart.
A secret clock.
A heart whose beating will blend...
with the heart of our king.
A woman is what he needs!
A woman of his own.
- Where can we get one? - I sacrifice myself.
- Good girl! - Generous soul!
Who's talking about soul?
No dirty words, my son.
The Duchess's buttocks belong to the Duke.
Don't I belong to everyone?
Impossible, honey! Who'd run your house?
Do I look like a madam?
I'm foolish! I know whom he needs, and he loves her too!
- Where is she? - My place.
- The brothel? - Let's go, on the double!
Calm down, men. This is not state business; it's women's business.
Good afternoon, Your Grace!
Where is Poppy?
The Duchess has a favor to ask of you.
A pearl. Innocent as an apple.
Please follow me.
Don't undress, child. We're not here for that, dear.
Tell me, do you know men?
No, but I'd like to.
- That's why you came here? - Yes.
I've a good chance of finding one.
- Who told you that? - My little finger.
- You haven't seen anyone else? - No.
She's the one we need.
Look at these curls!
She'll have to stick out her chest more.
Head still. Only the legs move.
Some blue on the eyelids. An orange blossom in her bosom.
- Can't I go as I am? - What a good idea!
To your fiancé, the King!
Calm down, ladies. When you want a man, you mustn't be obvious.
- We're just so pleased. - Your coat.
Just my tutu. It's my favorite outfit.
- You're going out like that? - Yes, on a wire.
The King's marrying an acrobat!
Gentlemen, let's tiptoe out.
Who are you?
Poppy. Your fiancée.
Oh, yes. That's right.
- I don't need anybody. - That's not true.
I'm a loner, like everybody, with one idea.
To marry me!
How did you get in?
Through the window.
We're getting married.
I might have known. It's starting again.
Yes, everything's starting.
I'm a little naive...
because, well...
I don't know.
But we'll make up for lost time.
Lost time! What time is it?
Don't applaud, you fools!
I'll be blown up!
Do you know what dying means? Do you have any idea?
No.
Listen. The enemy!
- Where is he? - My army will charge.
No, I'll speak to him!
I doubt it, but no matter.
Listen. There are bombs wired here.
Time bombs.
Before midnight, in a little while...
a spark... an explosion!
It's all over!
Who cares?
I do!
If you need to examine all the ticktocks, we'll get them.
What are you doing?
This is the last one, I assure you.
- Leave it. - Is that an order?
- It's my royal pleasure. - Well, in that case...
At last, you're laughing!
It's just nerves.
Your Majesty, your balloon.
You can keep these balloons!
I burst his balloon, and he claps!
What characters!
I can't let you die.
Come on. I'll take you all with me!
- To the sea? - No, to the snow.
To a candy store?
On vacation? Is it far?
Yes, very far.
We'll pass the lines, then take a train, roads, a boat.
- To an island? - To the other side of the sea.
- On horseback? - Yes. Follow me!
Here's the King's horse!
Don't leave me all alone!
Come along.
Follow me.
Sir, come back.
There are wild beasts!
Can't you hear them? They're bloodthirsty.
You must come with me.
There's a wall between us and the world out there.
It's too dangerous.
Come on, for the last time!
Charles!
You have no idea how wicked they are out there!
He's come back!
Look. There he is.
Sire, what's the point of traveling
when everything you want is at home?
Long live the King on my word as a duke.
Duke? Who made you a duke?
Who made you a king?
Brother, yesterday you were in an asylum!
Are you jealous?
And you, Mr. King, yesterday...
you were outside with "the others."
Gentlemen, the King's polka.
Brilliant idea!
A polka for a king.
What's wrong? We didn't say anything offensive.
Who needs a king?
- We're all equal! - You and your communist ideas!
- Tempers. - Enough!
You're right, sweetheart. Let's calm down.
Marie, everything is simple, even dying.
How?
Just close your eyes and never open them again.
But if I shut my eyes...
I can no longer see trees or flowers...
or your lovely moustache.
I love its prickly caress.
Was I born for a love duet?
Yes. We've been cuddling for 110 years!
We've been together for quite some time.
What a gracious hour, Your Grace.
You know why I've been coming up here...
every evening since...
My God, I was so young!
I already knew that to love the world...
you have to get away from it.
Have you ever noticed, Hyacinth...
how peaceful it all is...
on the eve of a battle?
How sweet it all seems?
How it rests our conscience?
- Going to war? - I'm thinking of it.
What army will lead you to victories?
There's the rub!
Make your own army!
How?
We'll make babies for you!
A battalion of sturdy boys!
- Make generals. - And a batch of pretty girls.
All in brothels, like their mamas!
The world's so simple. On one side men, and on the other side women.
On one side, the whores. On the other, the generals!
You're right. Life is simple.
Three minutes until midnight.
In three minutes, it'll be over.
I don't want to die.
No one's ever known his own death.
There are only three minutes to live.
Three minutes is great.
You're right.
You'll see the knight come out.
The knight comes out at midnight.
- Where? - Up there.
On the clock. At midnight.
The password!
Saved!
We are saved!
Good work, men.
I've done these sorts of things before.
Long live the Queen!
Five minutes after midnight! Five minutes late!
Nothing went off, Hamburger!
- You checked the bombs? - Yes, sir!
Sorry.
Lieutenant! Take him away!
Retreat!
I want to make love.
With a king? You're not afraid?
You must be marvelous.
Tell me later.
The soldiers!
The Duke, the Duchess, my wife.
An old bat, but I love her.
I'd love to curl myself around that cute moustache!
Pleased to meet you, General.
Long live France!
- Let's celebrate! - I don't have the time.
Don't waste it.
Give me a moment to change into decent clothes.
What's under their kilts?
Nothing!
You mean everything!
This is the greatest day of my life!
I'd like fireworks!
Look, Colonel!
Victory! The town has blown up! Everyone is dead!
Yes, but Hamburger is, too.
The Iron Cross is precious. Even posthumously.
My life is at your feet. What would you like?
Another ice cream, a pretty ring...
and a parade.
Here's the parade.
In any case, it's time to leave.
I'll be waiting at Hyacinth's brothel.
Don't be afraid. I'll return covered with medals.
Good-bye, Poppy!
Make way for the parade!
The King is going to war.
You're letting him go?
Yes, he's going to get medals!
What next?
Say good-bye to His Majesty.
Let's kiss him and bring him to the parade!
Let me go! I have to leave.
- More of them! - All over the place, like rats!
They act like they don't know each other.
Of course not... they're foreign regiments.
- No umbrellas? - The last bouquet!
Clear out, or you'll all get it!
Surrender! Never!
Don't you think these actors are a bit over the top?
What funny people.
Thousands of soldiers, cannons...
autos, coming from every direction.
What on earth can it be?
The "liberators."
This joke has lasted long enough.
Let's go to bed.
Your Majesty, we leave you with your people.
Good-bye, Charles.
Come. Let's go home.
General, my town kept faith.
You are receiving an army citation.
Your bird too. An A-1 winged creature.
Rare bird and soldier. Brave and astute.
You pulverized your enemy.
Good job.
And I would like...
to add my own embrace to that...
which the president of the Republic sends you.
What now?
- It's your turn, Your Majesty. - I still don't understand the rules.
There aren't any.
Well, you're here now. And you won't be running off anymore.
I'm staying here, General.
- I'm not going anywhere. - Smart thinking.
The most beautiful journeys...
are taken through the window.